Wasn't the Capri a British Ford?
This is the best and funniest auto review I have ever read and fits in
with the Ford theme.
By Dan Neil
LATimes.com
December 8, 2004
At a time of general excellence in automotive design and construction,
when even cheap cars so easily vault buyer expectations, it is a rare
and perverse pleasure to find a car as certifiably doggy as the
Mercury Montego.
A car whose lack of charisma is so dense no light can escape its
surface, the Montego is the Mercury Division's upscale twin to the
Ford Five Hundred sedan, though the Montego's version of upscale is of
the Korean off-shore casino variety. The faux wood-grain interior trim
looks like it came off a prison lunch tray. I've felt better leather
upholstery on footballs.
But this is not a case of a car nibbled to death by details. Overall,
the car has a profoundly geriatric feeling about it, like it was built
with a swollen prostate. To drive this car is to feel the icy hand of
death upon you, or at least the icy hand of Hertz, because it simply
screams rental.
On paper, the Montego has much to recommend it, which would be fine if
cars were made of paper. A large four-door, five-seat car - cut
generously in the seat, you might say - the Montego has an enormous 21-
cubic-foot trunk. So right there it has cornered the traveling-carpet-
salesman market. Built on a corporate vehicle platform shared with
Volvo, the Montego and its blue-badged sibling Five-Hundred are
available with all-wheel-drive. Our test car, a premium model with
AWD, was equipped with a continuously variable transmission, a type of
fuel-saving gearless transmission that optimizes the engine speed for
maximum torque during hard acceleration and slips into overdrive when
demands lessen. Front-drive models come with a six-speed automatic.
The premium package draws heavily from Ford's larder of convenience
items, including an eight-way, power-adjustable driver seat and four-
way adjustable front-passenger seat (both heated); Xenon headlights;
heated outside mirrors; two-position memorized settings for seats,
mirrors and the adjustable pedals; and a full suite of power
accessories. Missing in action are options for a navigation system and
stability control.
It's abundant on paper. As a presence in steel and glass, the Montego
inflicts a gnawing sense of privation upon the driver. There is no
soul to this car, and it's about as sexy as going through your
mother's underwear drawer. Except for those who need the oversized
trunk to carry their assisted-mobility scooters, few could prefer this
car to its Asian rivals such as the Toyota Camry, Honda Accord V6 or
Nissan Maxima, never mind the products with upscale badges like Lexus
and Acura hovering in the $30,000 range.
The trouble lies with the car's engine, a clattery 3.0-liter V6 whose
output of 203 horsepower is smothered by the car's two-ton curb
weight. Ordinarily, this power-to-weight ratio would not be out of
bounds, but Montego's AWD package is bundled with a torque-swallowing
CVT transmission, making the car logy from a standing start and
cruelly slow in passing situations.
This torpor has a soundtrack. When you mash the gas the powertrain
moans as if you were raising dear departed Uncle Sal at a séance.
The power train's lack of refinement so penetrates the driving
experience that it is hard to give the car a fair shake. It is not,
after all, a bad-looking car, though I prefer the more understated
look of the Five Hundred to that of the Montego, which has a face like
Mike Mulligan's steam shovel. The interior design is handsomely spare,
balanced and geometric. With its tasteful chrome bezel gauge cluster,
the instrument display is spot on; the steering wheel switches (audio
and cruise control) are well organized and substantial feeling.
But what's the deal with the center stack controls? As I sit here now
I cannot think of any designed product that is as awesomely cheap-
looking as the audio and climate controls in this car. The stereo
controls comprise a big, ugly flank of black plastic with a green LED
display in the middle. It reminds me of the ham radio kits I put
together in high school. These controls are risible enough in the Ford
F-150 pickup, but here, in a "premium" automobile, they are quite
unforgivable. Ford owns Volvo and Mazda, two companies that do a fine
job with instrumentation design. Can Ford's guys get the notes from
somebody in class?
The car's cushiony ride comes at the cost of any backbone in the
handling department. Significant body roll accumulates in corners, and
the car has a front-driver's pushiness. It was hard to feel any
handling benefits from the AWD system. The powertrain functions like
that of a front-drive car until significant slip occurs at the front
wheels. Then a mechanical differential distributes power to the rear
wheels. I will have to take Ford's word for it.
Over and over, it's a car that fumbles the fundamentals. The seats,
for example. They are, first of all, big and flat and unsupportive, so
that despite eight ways to adjust it, the driver's seat never gets
comfortable. Meanwhile, this car was designed as a kind of sedan qua
SUV, offering drivers the high seating position and commanding
sightlines of a sport-utility while retaining the virtues of a sedan.
If you see one of these in a parking deck you will notice its roof
crests a couple inches higher than those of the cars around it.
I have my doubts about this SUV-seating idea even in theory. In
practice, the seat's raised H point (hip point) puts the driver in an
awkwardly elevated position so that you never feel quite like you are
sitting in the car so much as sitting on it. The seat itself feels
like one of those extra-high hospital toilets. Where is the nurse call
button?
These cars - the Five Hundred and the Montego - are intended to be
mainstream, high-volume products that will supplant the Taurus/Sable
twins, which remain in production at the moment. My question: Has Ford
ever seen the competition? They are gorillas and these cars are organ-
grinder monkeys with little hats. I'm trying to imagine the family-
sedan buyer making his way down Glendale's Brand Boulevard, test-
driving cars as he goes, and alighting on the Montego. I'm still trying.
Ford has had an amazing year. The new Mustang. The Ford GT. Superb
redesigns of the Focus and F-150 families. Who would have thought the
mid-size sedan project would be so elusive? With all of Ford's global
resources, the most valuable of all is its collective judgment. As for
the Montego, I don't understand how this lamentable rentable got out
of the barn.
*
2005 Mercury Montego Premier AWD
Base price: $28,245
Price as tested: $29,490
Powertrain: 3.0-liter V6, dual-overhead cams; continuously variable
transmission; all-wheel drive with limited-slip front differential and
mechanical center differential.
Horsepower: 203 at 5,750 rpm
Torque: 207 pound-feet at 4,700 rpm
Curb weight: 3,930 pounds
0-60 mph: 9 seconds
Wheelbase: 112.9 inches
Overall length: 200.4 inches
EPA mileage: 20 miles per gallon city, 27 highway
Final thoughts: Hipster-proof
Automotive critic Dan Neil
can be reached at dan.neil@xxxxxxxxxxx.
Winsor
Long Beach, CA
USA
On Dec 19, 2007, at 4:57 PM, Larry wrote:
> Judging an entire corporation on industrywide midcentury bad auto
> design
> on the misfortunes of one of Fords worst cost saving designs being the
> Capri, and you can miss out on some great stuff (though blissfully
> unknowing this).
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