He probably didn't understand "the penny dropped" either. :-)
Chuck Norcutt
On 1/7/2013 10:02 AM, Piers Hemy wrote:
> Humour? Seems pretty straightforward good sense from over here.
>
> By the way, it's "4th July", never "July 4th". :-) That was the sense of
> great worry last week when I was chasing a UPS shipment. The agent I was
> dealing with (in US) was horrified to see it had been delayed, with delivery
> expected on April 1st .... 4/1/2013 .... the penny dropped eventually.
>
> Piers
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Chuck Norcutt [mailto:chucknorcutt@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
> Sent: 07 January 2013 14:18
> To: Olympus mail list
> Subject: [OM] A bit of humour for my British and American friends
>
> A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her ...Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
> for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
> should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
> Dictionary.)
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
> all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she
> does not fancy).
>
> Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
> without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
> next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> -----------------------
>
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
> replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> ------------------------
>
> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
> know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
>
> -------------------
>
> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> -----------------
>
> 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
> you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
> shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
> speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
> go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
>
> --------------------
>
> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> -------------------
>
> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
> not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
> dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> -------------------
>
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
> at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
> the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
> They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
> can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four
> Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
> with a cheese grater.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> ---------------------
>
> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
> deliveries.
>
> --------------------
>
> 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> -----------------
>
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
>
> ---------------
>
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
> strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God Save the Queen!
>
> PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
> humor)!
> --
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>
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