OK, this is just TOO funny!
Bettman fired? ABOUT F***ING TIME!
Martin abolishing right wing? PUHLEEEZE! Martin is as left wing as W is a
Rhodes scholar...
Equalizing abilities via affirmative action won't affect excitement in the game
much... it's already at the same level of boredom. Except... I MISS IT!
Jeeze, I miss the theme songs.... where is "IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!" when you're
already half tanked?
Thanks, Gord. You and I just MUST raise a few together some day!
Earl
*********** REPLY SEPARATOR ***********
On 11/3/2004 at 2:24 AM Gordon Ross wrote:
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>September 18, 2004
>Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
>OTTAWA TO NATIONALZE NHL!
>By Preston Manning*
>
>Prime Minister Martin today announced that the federal government will
>take over the National Hockey League and run it as a "sacred trust, just
>like health care". The announcement came as pressure mounted for the
>government to do something to end the current NHL shut down.
>
>"No Canadian should be deprived of NHL hockey during hockey season," said
>Martin. "We will take over the NHL and run it in the public interest, just
>like we run the Government of Canada."
>
>In an hour long news conference, the Prime Minister outlined reforms to
>the national game which his government will present to an emergency
>session of Parliament next week.
>
>"To protect the NHL from further Americanization, NHL Commissioner Gary
>Bettman will be fired and replaced immediately by Governor General
>Adrienne Clarkson," said Martin.
>
>When asked whether the Governor General knew anything about hockey, Martin
>replied "not much", but that Madame Clarkson and two hundred of her
>closest friends would be leaving immediately on a fact finding tour to
>investigate hockey-government relations in Hawaii, Fiji, and Monaco.
>
>To address long standing concerns about escalating violence in hockey, Mr.
>Martin said the government will increase the number of linesmen and
>referees to twelve per game, one official for each player on the ice. In
>addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will be amended to require
>all hockey sticks to be registered.
>Once nationalized, all NHL teams will be subject to federal government
>guidelines for gender equality, affirmative action, and non discrimination
>in hiring. "Inability to skate, shoot, or pass," said Martin, "will no
>longer be a sufficient reason for denying any Canadian an opportunity to
>play in the NHL."
>
>Martin added that in future all NHL teams will also be required to abolish
>the position of "right wing" from their rosters.
>
>When asked why, Martin said it was necessary to increase support for
>hockey among union members, and to secure NDP backing for the NHL
>nationalization bill in Parliament.
>
>The Prime Minister affirmed that "the great Canadian principle of
>equalization will be fully applied to our national game."
>
>"The current distribution of NHL teams in Canada is unacceptable to this
>government," he said. "It violates the principle of regional equality for
>Alberta and Ontario to have two NHL teams each while some provinces have
>none. Commencing next season, the Toronto Maple Leafs will be moved to
>Fredericton and the Edmonton Oilers to Charlottetown."
>
>Martin declared the seating arrangements at NHL hockey rinks
>"unacceptable" as well.
>
>"We do not accept two tier medicine in this country and we cannot accept
>multi tier seating at hockey arenas. It's un-Canadian."
>
>Martin explained that Former Public Works Minister Alphonse Gagliano will
>be put in charge of a program to flatten the seating arrangements in all
>NHL arenas.
>
>When asked how spectators in the back rows would be able to see the game
>Martin said the government is devising a plan for rotating spectators from
>back seats to front seats between periods.
>
>"It is our intention, in the interests of fairness, to insure that any
>inability to see the game is fully equalized among all spectators, said
>Martin. "It's the Canadian way."
>
>In recognition of the principle of "asymmetric federalism", and to secure
>the support of the Bloc Quebecois for the nationalization measure, Martin
>also confirmed that the Montreal Canadians will be exempted from the
>proposed reforms.
>
>Finally, to pay for the nationalization program, the government's next
>budget will include a Fan Tax, an Ice Tax, a Puck Tax, a Stick
>Registration Fee, and a new 115% income tax bracket for any hockey player
>making more money than the Prime Minster.
>
>* Preston Manning is a former Leader of the Opposition in Parliament. He
>is currently a Distinguished Visitor at the University of Toronto, and a
>Senior Fellow of the Fraser Institute and Canada West Foundation.
>* Article reprint from the Vancouver Sun
>
>
>
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