Now that we've handed over power in Iraq to the so-called transition
government, the first domino has fallen in the target list of oppressive Arab
states. A new ideal has been manifested: impotent self-rule in the heart of the
Islamofascist empire. The question we must all start answering today is, how
can we keep a good thing going? I have a suggestion, dramatic perhaps, but
simple in its essence: Use up all the oil.
Saudi Arabia is the colossus of Araby, standing astride the Middle East on
towering legs made of billions of petrodollars. For too long we have seen our
leaders forced to compromise with, or like certain presidents, kowtow to
chicanerous sheiks who live double lives at our expense. At home, they parade
around in their barbarian robes, dispensing cash to religious nut terrorists
and the terrorist incubators called madrassas, while abroad, they slip into
silky western suits and shop for good whiskey, flashy whores, Bentleys, Beverly
Hills mansions, and unscrupulous bankers.
Everyone knows we have to break their economic stranglehold on the world
economy. But most delude themselves with the folly that this can be
accomplished by conservation and farsighted investment in new energy
technologies. This just ain't going to happen. Energy companies aren't going to
get serious about developing alternative energy sources until they absolutely
have to: that's capitalism in its purest form.
American consumers aren't interested in tightening their belts for the sake of
some long-term objective that none of the rich and powerful are seriously
pursuing. And why should they be? The American Way is to do exactly what we
want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It usually works out, one
way or the other, and it will this time, too. We just tell the silly naysayers
to shut the f*** up.
Our national objective should be to consume all that Arab oil as quickly as
possible. At the moment, the U.S. acquires a measly 15 percent of its oil from
Saudi Arabia. We can do much, much better than that, and without a lot of
effort. We should immediately shut down all domestic oil production, buy more
SUVs, build more oil-fired power plants, switch home heating systems away from
electric and gas to oil. In short, it's time to put the hammer down and suck
the oil out of the Middle East until the wells are as dry as the sand above
them, and then let's see what happens to the two-faced princes of Saud.
Yes, they'll have some cash on hand for a while, but they'll be like American
sports stars, pop singers or hip-hop sensations: hooked on absurd spending
habits long after their ability to produce income has vanished. OPEC will
become the equivalent of a London men's club: an irrelevant refuge for the
artifacts of a defunct empire.
Meanwhile, the energy companies will be doing what they always do when the
long-term crisis has landed with a thump on their short-term profits: they'll
find new kinds of energy for us to use. We don't really have to worry about the
what and how right now. When they can't make money any other way, they'll
figure out how to generate billions of gigawatts by burning dirt or some damn
thing.
It's possible there will be a few difficult years of transition, but hey,
that's in the future, and in the meantime, think of all the fun we'll have
kicking the great American shopping machine into high gear. We need more
plastic stuff, of course, because plastic is made from oil -- LOTS more plastic
stuff, like digital cameras and cell phones, and the credit cards to buy them
with.
The automotive giants of Detroit should experience a tremendous windfall,
provided they can respond to the short-term challenge. We need SUVs twice the
size of the Lincoln Navigator, capable of fuel inefficiencies in the
two-to-three mpg range. We need snowmobiles as big as tanks, motorcycles with
six-liter V-8 engines, gas-powered kitchen appliances, 50 hp riding lawnmowers,
and we've got to make a much larger national commitment to RV'ing and boating.
The federal and state governments will have to help out, of course, by
eliminating gas taxes, but that's just part of the solution. Aren't all
problems solved by cutting taxes?
Best of all, we the people will have the satisfaction of practicing our
favorite pursuits, buying and wasting stuff, while knowing that in doing so we
are behaving in the most patriotic possible manner. Why try to defeat the enemy
with sacrifice when it can be done so much more easily and effectively with our
in-born talent for self-indulgence and rampant consumption?
And just imagine the day when all the western troops and gear can be packed up
and brought home from the plague-infested and pestilential lands of the Middle
East. Then the Arabs will be able to get back down to the serious and
traditional business of killing each other for nothing, and we can ignore it
all completely, confident that whatever they choose to teach their spawn in the
madrassas, none of the little bastards will be able to afford a plane ticket to
the USA.
I'll leave it to the brainy types to work out the details. My job is the
'Vision Thing.'
Happy Independence Day weekend!
Walt, readying both guns and fireworks
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