Surgeon General's Warning: If humor concerning computer
viruses puts you at risk of apoplexy or a heart attack,
please read no farther.
Humor: hu0mor (hyá2mõr) n.
1. The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness.
2. That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement.
3. The ability to perceive, enjoy, or express what is amusing, comical,
incongruous, or absurd.
VIRUS ALERT!!! WARNING! WARNING!! WARNING!!!
If you receive an email entitled "Bad Mother," delete it immediately.
Do not open it!!! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within
20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit
cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
ice
cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to
call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into
your
fish tank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Immac and your Immac with
Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend husband/wife behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause
you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until
someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your
active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings
which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Bad
Mother" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the
toilet seat up permanently. It will switch on your hair dryer dangerously
close
to a waste-paper basket or full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden
tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed
milk with whole milk so you put on weight without ever knowing why.
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. Read on.........
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient,
any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized
(either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux
pas.
Unless the word pericombobulations has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the noisy dog next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of
the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
revealed
by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from
Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and
your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you
have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven for forty
minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and let it stand
for two hours before icing.
If all else fails, photograph it with your favorite OM camera and a Zuiko
90/f2.0 macro (if you don't have one borrow one from Tom Scales) and post
it on your web site as a warning to fellow Zuikoholics. Please include
appropriate
camera, lens, fstop, shutter speed and film data. (Obligatory OM content)
Remember to be forewarned is to be four.... How was that again?
Robert
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